Memories of Lost Night

Miles away from civilization in complete hibernation, she looked at me “ you haven’t changed a bit and I think this is the last cup of coffee we can get here”.
“I wish I could say the same things for you Tania ” and I wanted to say many more things to her, “ dad is calling you… come fast” the sudden unexpected pitch of words almost shattered the silence in the horizon. She looked towards the little girl probably three or four years old and then towards me “ see you at dinner table”. I felt a complete void inside my head, it seemed my head is going to explode, “sure” all I could say and looked at that little girl. I don’t know why but I was feeling jealous.
Silence again, it’s been almost six years we have met. Now I am thirty-one having a family to look after, probably I have everything people look for at this age. I hurriedly finished my coffee and lit another cigarette. I looked at the flickering flame between my lips, third one in last half an hour.
“You should cut down on your smoke or else I will make sure you don’t get your pocket money next month” Tania snatched the cigarette from my lips and threw it outside the classroom window. That was the first time we fought and that was almost eleven years back, probably things haven’t still changed. I threw off my cigarette, I think at this age I should seriously think about quitting cigarette. Probably I can do it now and tell her about it, tomorrow it’s her birthday and it will really make her happy. I opened my bag to get the cigarette packs, rather than throwing those two dozen packs that I always carry with me I can give them to people stuck out here at this odd place.
With those odd dozen packs my old diary flipped out of the bag and lost memories that are hard to erase. I turned the pages; it’s been blank for few days. I flipped few more pages in a futile effort to find something and all I got was an old card, six yeas old invitation card, for the marriage of my friend Tania. Of course, I knew about this, but then it seemed like an unknown and uncertain event. but now holding the card in my hands, it suddenly dawned on me that the girl I my self wanted to marry was now married to someone else.
i and Tania had been friends since our college days. being in the same circle of friends, going to the same parties, and hanging out at the same joints. Still we were poles apart, i was into rock and she was into country music. While I was a introvert kind which I am still, she had a huge social circle and was always the centre of attraction. However as they say opposite attracts this seemingly incompatibility, only brought us closer. And still not sure, but I think I fell in love with her.
As I put down the card, a rush of memories flooded my head. How, when we were studying together for university exams, she had said “do you want to tell me something?”. i should have told her then and there. the day when we were sitting on the terrace looking at the moonlight night and she had asked, ‘you are thinking about something?’, i should have told what i was thinking. the day i went away to US, i had my chances. The day she she asked me “why don’t you marry me?” but i didn’t say a word.
I don’t know why but I reached her place almost a month before her marriage, taking responsibilities, doing things like helping her with shopping, After all my best friend was getting married, and i was happy for her. But deep within I wanted things in different way. Probably it was a week after I was there, I was feeling restless. I sat beside the window looking at the stars in that clear night sky; both of us had our favorite stars out there and together we used to share our joy and sorrow with them.
Suddenly Tania entered the room “ I thought you are sleeping, what are you doing out there near the window?” I looked at her, I wanted to tell her everything but something stopped me “ I was just looking at our stars, how come you are out here?” “Nothing” all she could say, then “ don’t you think want to tell me something?” I could feel those moist eyes of hers. Without looking at her “ just feeling lonely” I said, she sat beside me “ don’t worry I am there for you”. Now almost ignoring her I said “ don’t you know you are getting married?” “Damm it, then why don’t you marry me?” she looked straight into my eyes and ran out of the room.
Next day I packed my bag and left her place, when asked about the reason of my sudden departure I told her that my girl friend is not well and she needs me beside her.
That was almost six years ago and I was still a bachelor. I looked towards the sky. “ Feeling lonely again?” Tania tapped me from behind. “Who told you that?” I asked her, she smiled “remember the old days, I still share my joys and sorrows with you through those stars… everyday single day”. As she left the place I looked at her moist eyes once and then towards the stars.
Late night when I tried to find her an old lady told me that she left with a little girl and a man. Feeling a bit disgusted and betrayed I told her “ today it’s her birthday, I thought of wishing her”. Looking a bit sad the old lady murmured, “ Miss. Tania was so nice…” I answered her back “ I think its Mrs. Tania”, old lady jumped back “ no, no… she never got married, poor thing still waits for god knows. I hope she will some day come to senses”.
I looked up towards the sky, I couldn’t find the stars. The sky was covered with clouds, I felt as if I am tied to this gloomy place for forever.